Carroll Shelby, RIP

Posted on May 15, 2012 by trevor

Carroll Shelby, the auto legend who founded the International Chili Society, passed away last Thursday at the age of 89. A few words from Carol Hancock, president of the ICS:

Carroll Shelby, founder of the International Chili Society, passed away Thursday night at the age of 89.  It’s an incredibly sad day for all of us.  Carroll was the toughest man I’ve ever known.  He survived a heart transplant in 1990, a kidney transplant in 1996 and was married seven times.

Seven times!

Sorry, that probably shouldn’t have been what I took away from that excerpt.

RIP

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BACON, EGG, AND CHEESE BAGEL

Posted on April 30, 2012 by trevor

In true Stiff Willi fashion, here’s a recipe for a positively redonk bacon, egg, and cheese bagel that will fire up your day. From beginning to end, you’ll be able to throw this bad boy together in a whopping 10 minutes.


That ooey-gooey goodness seeping out of this masterpiece is American cheese.

INGREDIENTS
2 slices crisp bacon
1 tablespoon butter
1 extra large egg
2 teaspoons sour cream
1 pinch salt
1 plain bagel (or whatever type you prefer)
2 slices American cheese (white or yellow)
2 tablespoons cream cheese
T-Rev’s Stiff Willi Chili Pepper Sauce, to taste

DIRECTIONS
1. Set small nonstick frying pan to low heat. Crack egg into small bowl, add salt, and whisk in sour cream until fully incorporated.

2. Add butter to frying pan, then add egg mixture. Drop bagel in the toaster.

3. Give pan a shake to evenly distribute the egg (you want it nice and thin). Use rubber spatula to ensure edges of egg aren’t sticking to pan. Once egg looks like it’s almost fully cooked on top surface (after a minute or two), fold it in half and lay both slices of cheese on top. Fold in half again so cheese is now nestled between the egg. Remove from heat until bagel has finished toasting.

4. Spread 1 tablespoon cream cheese on each half of bagel, then begin assembling sandwich by placing egg on bottom half. Top with bacon and pepper sauce and complete sandwich by adding top half of bagel. Try to contain yourself as you prepare to take your first bite.

Serves 1.

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My New Guitar Strap and Reflections on the Good Ol’ Days

Posted on April 26, 2012 by trevor

After months of waiting anxiously, I came home from work on Monday to find my new guitar strap waiting for me on the front porch.

I commissioned this bad boy from Mark Creamer of Anarchy Leather, whose claim to fame – aside from this masterpiece, that is — is a strap he did for Blind Melon’s Rogers Stevens. Interestingly, I came across Mark’s work when I did a Google search for an “anarchy” guitar strap after seeing one that Asia’s John Wetton had when he sang “Heat of the Moment” during a recent concert broadcast on Palladia. The rest is history.


This photo doesn’t do it justice, but this is an anarchy symbol made out of chile peppers. If you know me at all, you know what that means. The chiles speak for themselves, and I’m also no fan of the state.

I still love you, Mary Jane.

Tribute to my two boys. If you look closely, you can see the flames on the bottom of the letters.

One of the best shows I’ve ever seen was in Buffalo, N.Y. at the Tap Room back in 1994. I was 20 years old and working during the summer at The Pier — by far the best bar in Buffalo back then — and was meeting a 23-year-old girl at the Tap Room on an off night. I remember it was pouring rain and I literally had to chalk my ID while sitting in my Ford Escort in order to get into the bar. Thankfully my birthday was in September so I could chalk the month instead of the year (where most bouncers focus most of their attention), but I was so nervous I was getting sick to my stomach. This was the first time I’d ever faked my own ID to try to get into a bar, and I dreaded not getting in; I lied to the girl and told her I was 23 when I met her a week earlier at a different bar, and all I could think of was getting shot down at the door while she was pulling in to see it. However, the ID must’ve worked like a champ because they shooed me right in.


Most guys would do anything to hang out with a girl who looked like this, too.

The girl I was meeting looked like Paulina Porizkova. (I’m not kidding and, I know, I couldn’t believe it either.) I figured she was standing me up since it was already midnight and she was nowhere to be found. The funny thing was that I didn’t really care because a.) I was used to this, and b.) the cover band members were all dressed like chefs and the lead singer was making a huge batch of gumbo during the sets with the intent to serve the crowd at the end of the night (which I thought was just fantastic, mostly because I was a starving college kid working at bars for beer money and Ramen noodles). So, for the past couple years I’ve thought it would be great to mimic this type of thing in order to market my chili. I could start a Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band called the “Stiff Willi Chili Peppers” and make a batch of chili during the shows to serve the crowd. I know … genius, right?

Anyway, back to the Tap Room. The girl — I can’t remember her name or else I’d be using it in this story — finally showed up around 1 a.m. and we hung out for about an hour until she was ready to leave. You generally do whatever hot girls want, but I wasn’t leaving until I got some of that gumbo, so it was a good thing it was almost ready. She agreed to stick around until we got a bowl, then it was off to another bar. This time we headed to Buddy’s. I’ll never forget it because it was a gay bar. I had no idea why she wanted to go there, other than the fact her friend worked there as a bouncer and she wanted to say hi. At this point, my whole “do whatever hot girls want” rule had just about run its course. I mean, I had nothing against gay people, but I was flat out too damn pretty to be traipsing through a gay bar at 2:00 in the morning!

Despite my pleading to do something — anything! — else, it was to no avail. We were on our way in. On the bright side, I didn’t even get carded. But when we walked over to the chick’s bouncer friend, he must’ve noticed the look of sheer fear on my face because he immediately came and grabbed my arm (the way you do when you walk someone down the aisle) and said, “Don’t worry, no one will bother you if you’re with me.” I thought that was sweet.

We spent the next hour looking at some of the sweatiest guys I’d ever seen not on an athletic field, but it turned out this was nothing. After Buddy’s we went to a house party attended by many other apparently gay guy friends of this hot chick, where I was incessantly visually raped by no less than half of the more unashamed males at the party. Seriously, if any girls were as interested in me as all these dudes appeared to be, I would’ve been able to keep Trojan in business all by myself. Talk about a self-esteem boost.

Despite this culture shock, I was actually doing fine. Most of the guys I talked to were respectful of the fact that I wasn’t gay, and this was definitely an interesting life experience. Until one of the guys that was gawking at me for the past hour decided to go from think to touch. He reached out and literally smacked me upside the ear as he walked by, apparently because I wasn’t interested in his little advances. (Ladies, at this moment I knew what it felt like to be a chick at a regular college kegger.) At this point, I told hot chick I’d had about enough and decided it was time to go home. Clearly I wasn’t getting laid anyway, and when I walked outside the friggin’ sun was coming up.

I was driving home to Olean for some weekend event at my parents’ house, so I had a good hour and a half to reflect on the past six hours. Though a bit in shock at that moment, that awkward night turned out to be one of the best bad experiences of my life.

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Tiki Bar Opening 2012

Posted on April 25, 2012 by trevor

Last Friday was the infamous Tiki Bar Opening in Solomons, Md., an annual event signifying the informal beginning of outdoor summertime festivities like camping, boating and, of course, drinking. The seasonal Tiki Bar is the most iconic of all establishments on Solomons Island, and other businesses in this small waterfront community don’t draw many patrons until Tiki is open for business.


This was my setup on Thursday afternoon. Replete with my government-mandated three-sided mesh walls to keep out the bugs. (Apparently bugs can’t figure out how to fly into the completely open front entrance.)

About three months ago I started making plans with my buddy who runs the bar to sell chili cheese dogs during Opening. Considering the bar draws between 5,000-10,000 people for this one event alone, I had my work cut out for me. Nothing a pro like me can’t handle, I figured, so off I went. I planned to take it slow since this was to be the first time I’ve ever actually sold food — up till now I’d simply promoted my spice mix and pepper sauce by giving away free chili samples — so I planned for 500 hot dogs. Most people told me I was severely underestimating the volume I would do, but it didn’t really matter — as a one-man band, I’m not equipped to handle much more than this at the moment anyhow.

I dropped about 1500 bucks on equipment — on everything from a steam table and pans to a generator and promotional banner — and almost another grand on the vendor fee and food itself. While equipment costs are a business investment, I was hoping to cover all costs as a result of this one event. After all, Tiki Bar itself has been known historically to pay off its mortgage note for the year on revenues it generates on opening day. Sadly, however, this was not to be. I sold much fewer chili dogs than I thought I would, due mostly to the fact that vendors were placed at the back of the bar while the vast majority of patrons were huddled in the front. Most people don’t feel like fighting the crowd to pee let alone grab something to eat, but I actually lost count of how many people told me they weren’t even aware there was food in the first place!


Thankfully, Stiff Willi Girls Naomi and Jenna decided to butler chili dogs to the crowd. This accounted for a significant jump in sales. Nothing like thinking on your feet!

I knew I would have to sell about 125 chili dogs just to pay off the vendor fee alone, so I knew I wasn’t looking at the potential for a huge payday. But if an establishment is going to charge vendors $400-500 a day to set up, it should at least put vendors in a position to succeed. A banner advertising the food court, for example, probably would’ve done wonders for our sales.

On the bright side, however, the response to my chili cheese dogs was fantastic. At five bucks a pop and a free t-shirt (until we ran out), you really couldn’t beat the deal. By my unofficial count, I must’ve done double the sales combined of the pizza truck and Thai food tent that were set up around me. This isn’t necessarily saying much because none of us did much business overall, but the poor Thai lady was literally sitting half the night.


Perhaps the Tiki King and his harem of scantily-clad boys cost more than a handful of people their appetites?

If you look past my brother-in-law, you’ll notice no one at the pizza truck’s window at lunchtime.

If I had to pin the dearth of food customers on one thing, I think it would boil down primarily to the fact that Tiki Bar Opening is a drinking, not eating, event. Young partiers will drop 100 bucks on liquor while chafing at the idea of spending a dime on food — especially when food just kills your buzz, dude!

Which brings me to my biggest pet peeve of the day: people who bitched and moaned about a $5 chili cheese dog even though I had the price clearly posted on my banner. These folks were definitely few and far between, but over the course of a 12-hour day there were enough to piss me off by the end of the night. Here’s a tip: If you don’t want to drop the coin, don’t. But don’t come up to my booth and complain to me about the price. You’re just wasting my fucking time.

These people were immensely more annying than the handful of chicks who came up begging for free shit. I can appreciate the fact that you’re broke — been there — so I actually gave away my share of food, even if I was getting scammed (though a couple tittie flashes would’ve been appreciated). But the sighs and eye rolls while you reach for your wallet I can do without — I’m not forcing you to buy my stuff, and I’m good and goddamned sure you weren’t bitching to the bartenders about the $8 mai tais.

The restaurant/food business is one of the toughest ones there is. I know most people don’t understand all the time and effort that goes into something that looks as simple as a chili dog tent — I was up at 5 a.m. Friday morning cooking food and got to bed at 3:15 a.m. Saturday morning — but the relatively higher prices we have to charge aren’t just pulled out of thin air or a product of “price gouging” (which doesn’t actually exist, but that’s a topic for another day). Business owners don’t want to have to charge any more than they have to. The simplest law of economics is that demand increases as prices decrease. But the reason you the consumer pay about double at festivals and stadiums is because of all the fees vendors have to pay to be there. Most facilities charge a flat fee, then take a percentage of your revenue on top of that. Not to mention you’re usually hiring people to help accommodate demand and spending more than a few sleepless nights trying to plan everything perfectly.

I’ll stop there because now I’m probably the one coming across as a whiney little bitch. Just wanted to share some edumucations with ya though.

/end rant

Thanks to everyone who bought a chili cheese dog at Tiki Opening. I know you had several options for food, so I never take my customers’ business and generosity for granted. I’m sure I’ll be seeing you out and about in the community during more events, especially now that the weather is warming up. Cheers!

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Meet Your Newest Stiff Willi Girls

Posted on April 19, 2012 by trevor

Say hello to Stiff Willi Girls Naomi and Jenna. Better yet, come say hi to them in person tomorrow at Tiki Bar Opening in Solomons, Md.!

The festivities will kick off at noon, and as if this annual event isn’t already fun enough, you’ll have these two ladies running point on everything from chili-cheese dogs to promotional items like Stiff Willi t-shirts, bottle openers, and tattoos.

Posted in Chili, Food and Drink, Promotions | Comments Off

Chili-Cheese Doggin’

Posted on March 12, 2012 by trevor

April 20 is Tiki Bar Opening in Southern Maryland, and yours truly will be selling Stiff Willi chili-cheese dogs all day long!

Tiki Opening is basically Mardi Gras on the bay, bringing out all partiers to celebrate the official opening of Solomons Island and the onset of warmer weather. There’s no better way to keep those mai tais down than to pad your stomach with a couple chili-cheese dogs, and at five bucks a pop they’re almost sure to be one of the best bargains of the day.

See you there!

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Chili w/ Beenz!

Posted on February 21, 2012 by trevor

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, the Olde Town Pub in Leonardtown, Md., started selling T-Rev’s Stiff Willi Chili by the bowl. The six-gallon batch I made for them lasted only a couple weeks — which I think is pretty good considering the chili isn’t even printed on the menu yet — so I stopped in last Thursday night to do some QA on the new batch (which they made on their own), and we got to chill with Wes and Rich from No Green Jellybeenz for a few hours too while they acousticized the joint.

Aside from needing just a touch more salt, the pub nailed the recipe so everything seems to be going very well. And the head bartender even told me she’s seen the chili make some surprise appearances on the pub’s cheese fries and tater tots. Can’t to wrong with those combos!

Funny story of the night … we got to the pub early and it was already packed, so my buddy and I waited by the bar while my wife took a spare seat at a table with a few random guys. One of them started telling her how much he liked the new hot sauce — the pub now carries my pepper sauce on all its tables, too — and she told them it’s her husband’s sauce. As soon as he realized she was married and I came over to talk to him about the sauce, suddenly it was only “okay” and “really needed to be hotter.”

If you live in Southern Maryland, hook a brotha up next time you’re out at OTP and order a bowl of chili, especially if you haven’t tried any before. You’ll be glad you did.

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Olde Town Pub Now Serving Chili

Posted on January 29, 2012 by trevor

And not just any chili. As of yesterday, Olde Town Pub in Leonardtown, Md. is serving T-Rev’s Stiff Willi Chili!


Best pub in Southern Maryland. And not just because they now serve the best chili on the planet!

Head cook Alisa will be in charge of making sure my chili’s always perfect.

Damn … even made the sign out front!

“B” and Biggie Smalls pimpin’ the new Stiff Willi table tents

Big thanks to John, Jason, and Joe at Olde Town Pub for making this a reality. Because I don’t have a restaurant of my own, I’ve been thinking for a while about approaching a local establishment about selling my chili exclusively. When I found out OTP has been thinking about adding chili to the menu, I knew that presented a great opportunity for us to help each other.

So the next time you’re out, stop by the pub for a bowl of award-winning chili and a couple beers!

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Texas Chili Mix: Advance Reviews

Posted on December 28, 2011 by trevor

This chili mix, by far, has the best flavor of any chili that I’ve ever had, or even cooked myself.
- Dan Davis, Great Mills, MD

Many thanks to all my loyal fans who agreed to take advantage of my facebook offer and test out a free sample of my forthcoming Texas chili mix!

The instructions were to use the exact recipe I provided (which will be printed on the label of the chili mix package) so I could gain accurate reviews of the actual mix I plan to sell. However, I know a couple people had to alter the recipe a little bit just to eff with me — or maybe even because they didn’t happen to have the exact ingredients in the house — but even in these cases I was pleasantly surprised. After all, it’s nice to know you can get good reviews even if people don’t make what I consider to be the ideal recipe.

OK, I don’t want to give away all the results upfront, so here are the reviews that have come in so far. I know one tester is waiting until New Year’s to make his batch, so I’ll just append this post as new reviews roll in.

I’ll simply add that this type of thing generally makes me nervous because you never know what people will say — this was an open offer to any takers and I’ve promised to post the reviews exactly as they’re written — but I don’t spend my time doing this because I want to have the second-best chili mix on the planet!

With that, here ya go …

REVIEWS:

Made sample last night. Fantastically easy and delicious! Perfect for a quick chili! 

- Joe Sheelar/Amy West

Got our sample yesterday and my son, who is 15, made the chili. He loves to cook. It was a little spicy for me but he loved it. Easy to make. I would definitely make it again, but put it on a baked potato with some cheese and sour cream! Thanks Trevor :)

- Corenne Forrest Grimes

The chili was great! Perfect food to enjoy while watching football. One thing I did different is that I used meatloaf mix (beef, pork and veal) instead of ground round (just something I do whenever I make chili). Either way, your chili mix is good stuff.

- Ann Takeuchi

As a proud guinea pig for any of Trevor’s future products, I wasted no time stepping up to the plate once again. We already have plenty of Stiff Willi products on hand, which are used pretty frequently. Especially the pepper sauce! Speaking of which, I ran out of my work bottle. Time to restock!

I was eager to try the Texas chili mix and took advantage of a night when my wife was on travel, to have a guys’ dinner with my son! So I started gathering the ingredients and realized I had no tomato puree and only ground beef… no time to go out and get anything, so I had to make do. I took a can of Hunt’s Fire Roasted Diced Tomatoes and ran them through the Ninja (which is awesome, by the way), unpackaged the ground beef and got ready to cook!

However, instead of me cooking the chili, I made my son take the wheel on this one. So, I had him read the recipe, turn on the stove and off he went. 

Needless to say, the directions are pretty easy! So easy a 9 yr old can do it! If you mess this up, there is something wrong with you. 

My son followed the directions and before he knew it, he made his first batch of award winning chili.

Unfortunately for us, it took a little longer to get to the right consistency since we used pureed diced tomatoes. Let me add that we opted to use 1 cup beef and 1 cup chicken broth (instead of 2 cups water).

As soon as the chili was ready, we dug in. Nothing extra was added… no sour cream, cheese, green onions or anything else people put on top of their chili. Just the chili!

Well, not only did I like it (Why would I not? It’s Trevor’s masterpiece for Christ’s sake!) but my 9 yr old did as well! This says a lot, since he’s not a big chili fan.

This chili mix, by far, has the best flavor of any chili that I’ve ever had, or even cooked myself. Just the right amount of heat that lets you know you’re eating chili, but doesn’t make you reach for a drink after each bite. Bravo, Trevor! Another home run!

Now, since it was only 2 of us eating that night, there were plenty of leftovers. Which is fine! Chili always tastes better the next day.

I can’t wait for these packets to hit the market. I’m drooling just thinking about this Texas chili over some hot dogs!

- Dan Davis

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That’s What I Call a Sexy Breakfast!

Posted on December 20, 2011 by trevor

Thanks to my friend Ian Fay for sending along this photo of his Sunday morning breakfast, kicked up with T-Rev’s Stiff Willi Chili Pepper Sauce!

Ian, incidentally, is the designer of stiffwilli.com, so if you’re in the market for web design/hosting, his company Saint Gorilla does fantastic work (as you can plainly see if you’re reading this right now).

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Stiff Willi Scores!

Posted on December 20, 2011 by trevor

Susan Orlins, columnist at Huffington Post and contributor to Home Goes Strong, has made T-Rev’s Stiff Willi Chili Spice Mix part of her “Top Ten Picks to Eat and Cook With” from the DC Metro Cooking Show!

Check it out here.

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Hospice Festival Highlights

Posted on December 6, 2011 by trevor

Naturally I cringe whenever I think about women shopping and spending money. If you have a wife, you know what I mean. And you know that nothing good usually comes from a day at a craft show.

That said, I don’t so much mind when the women are spending their money on me, like this past Saturday at the Hospice of St. Mary’s Festival of Trees, one of Hospice’s major annual fundraisers that drew a great crowd and provided some good fun all day long.

I usually have at least one helper with me whenever I do a promo expected to draw several hundred people, but I was loning it Saturday so I was plenty busy. I served up three gallons of chili and sold over eight cases of product, so all in all it was a great day.

Of course, the best part about these types of events is getting to meet new people and seeing their reaction when they taste the best chili on the planet for the very first time (I know, I know … you’d think everyone would know about this stuff already!).

Unfortunately I didn’t have much time to take photos in addition to running point on chili samples, sales, and schmoozing, but I wanted to be sure to snag a pic of this kid (above), who tried my pepper sauce and cream cheese dip. For a minute I thought he was going to cry because of the heat, but he went back for seconds! Gotta love little chileheads (and their moms)!

This photo above is the only one I actually got of the main tree area, and it was once the show was already over. But my friend and festival coordinator Nancy Glockner sent me this link to a news story on the event, so go and check that out too.

There’s usually at least one really good story that results from these types of gigs, but Saturday was actually the source of two. They’re usually just silly or absurd, but the ones I’m about to tell are the type that make you realize that running a business can sometimes — not usually, but sometimes — be about more than just making money.

The first one is about my friend Jen. She stopped by with her kids to say hi and we talked for about 20 minutes. Jen had told me on facebook right before Thanksgiving that her parents weren’t doing too well — her dad wasn’t eating much and her mom had been in a nursing home for a few weeks — so she was planning to make my chili and take some to her dad to see if he’d eat it because he likes spicy food.

Well, apparently it worked because she told me her dad not only loved it, but her mom even asked her to make more. Sadly, Jen’s mom took a turn for the worst just last week and passed away. As if Jen didn’t blow me away enough with that news, she then told me that her mom and dad liked my chili so much, they were eating it for two days straight before her mom died.

I’m not sure if it’s even possible to get a better testimonial than that.


Julia Ann Bates, RIP

From the opposite side of the circle of life comes the second story. Admittedly it packs more of a punch than it otherwise might because it’s the type of thing you’d expect to hear from a guy, not his wife. But there it was …

My buddy Drew stopped to say hi with his wife, who is pregnant with a boy and is only a few weeks away from delivery. She wants to name him Trevor — not because she likes the name in and of itself, she explained, but because she loves my logo so much she wants to call him T-Rev (!!).

Seriously, how friggin’ awesome is that!

Drew, on the other hand, is currently opposed to the entire plan. I can’t even say I necessarily blame him, but it would be pretty awesome if he came around. Honestly, though, they don’t need to go any further. That story alone was enough to make my week.

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Thank You, Chuy’s

Posted on November 29, 2011 by trevor

Just mailed a 5 pound bag of bulk spice mix to Chuy’s tex-mex restaurant in Austin, TX! With five joints in the Austin area alone — and more in Dallas, Houston, and San Antoinio and even Kentucky, Alabama, and Tennessee — here’s hoping it’s a big hit.

You have to walk before you run, so BIG thanks to Bill Larche and Chuy’s in Round Rock! Go like their facebook page here: http://www.facebook.com/Chuys.Restaurants

Posted in Spice Mix, Tex-Mex | Comments Off

Holy Sacrilege!

Posted on November 28, 2011 by trevor

So I’m at the in-laws’ yesterday for my twin nieces’ third birthday party, and I run up to the kitchen to take some chicken nuggets out of the oven and notice this on the counter next to the stovetop.

Seriously, why don’t you just kick me in the nuts too!

All kidding aside, my mother-in-law was using Hormel chili for a quick cheese dip. All the more reason to get my Texas chili mix out as soon as possible. Besides the great flavor, the best thing about this new mix will be the convenience — you’ll be able to whip up my award-winning Texas chili in less than 15 minutes!

Posted in Chili, Friends and Family, Spice Mix | Comments Off

Cookin’ for a Cause

Posted on November 17, 2011 by trevor

Mark your calendars! If you live in Southern Maryland, I’ll be a vendor on Saturday Dec. 3 at the annual Hospice of St. Mary’s Festival of Trees, which raises money for — you guessed it — Hospice of St. Mary’s.

I’ll be kicking off my promo at 11 a.m., so stop by for some free samples or just to say hi. I’ll have all my products for sale.

Here are the event details:
9-11 Donuts with Santa and 1-3 Afternoon with Santa
9-5 Over 40 Vendor Shoppes Open for Shopping & Live Entertainment to get you in the Holiday spirit!

Posted in Chili, Fundraisers, Promotions | Comments Off

“I’m Not Really That Much of a Bitch”

Posted on November 11, 2011 by trevor

Elise Wims from Season Nine of Hell’s Kitchen was out doing a PR campaign last weekend at the DC Metro Cooking Show and stopped by to say hi.

When she walked up to the booth I turned to my wife and said, “Hey, look who it is!” She recognized the chef jacket as the trademark Hell’s Kitchen red but asked, “Which one’s she?”

I said, “The mouthy one.”

Elise was a good sport and said, “It’s all editing. I’m not really that much of a bitch.”

By all accounts she seemed pretty cool, sampling the chili and pepper sauce and even asking for seconds. I think it’s safe to say Elise Wims is a fan of T-Rev’s Stiff Willi Chili. Hey, Elise, it’s mutual!

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“This Stuff’s Better Than Hormel!”

Posted on November 10, 2011 by trevor

Well, I did it. My first humungo-ginormous trade show is in the rearview and all in all it went very well. It’s funny how people interepret things, though. I was contacted by friends beforehand wishing me luck “on Giada’s show” or “during your Food Network appearance.” I should’ve let the rumors fly, but, alas, I was merely an exhibitor like everyone else. I had to pay to be there, and the closest I got to Guy Fieri was watching him and his frosted tips on the big screen from the confines of my booth.

The DC Metro Cooking Show is one of the biggest food shows in the country, so just making it to the event without forgetting crucial supplies and getting my booth set up on time probably would’ve made me happy. So selling over 40 cases of spice mix and pepper sauce, making lots of new contacts, and receiving overwhelmingly positive responses to my products has to be considered a huge win.


Big props to my friends Kevin McDevitt and Micheline Lopez — they of the sponsor banner you see on the right — without whom this event wouldn’t have even been possible.

Of course, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t any stress. I’m plenty comfortable scooping chili, talking to customers, and actually conducting a promotion. That’s the easy part. Wondering whether your brand new soup warmers are going to heat up enough or whether you’ll have sufficient wireless connectivity to process credit cards is another story.

Well, the soup pots were great. My brand new $849 iPad? Not so much.

For some reason, the iPad just wasn’t playing along. All weekend. If it weren’t for my Droid, which I generally hate on a day to day basis, this event would’ve been a disaster. The only other logistical nightmare, which is still pissing me off even as I type this, is that the trash service during the show was flat-out abysmal. I paid $120 for booth carpeting, a table, and a trash can, which was about the size of a happy meal box. So suffice to say, it filled up quickly. Especially when people who didn’t even buy my products walked by and threw their shit in it. This better be rectified by next year or my ass won’t be back. No kidding. I just hate clutter and looking like a fucking slob.

So Saturday I was a little testy. It’s always hard when you don’t know what to expect, and the show was slammed for about four hours straight. I easily served out 1700 chili samples and the day was pretty chaotic overall. The highlight was one of the volunteer chef chicks who stopped by in the morning to try the chili and said, “I still think mine’s better.”

Oh yeah? Where do I buy your shit, honey?

Sunday was just as busy as the day before but obviously we were much more prepared this time around. We knew we’d have to take credit card orders on the phone, that we’d just have to live with the trash issues, and that we’d better eat a decent breakfast because that would be it for the next 10 friggin’ hours. So it was a little more relaxing and fun.

Speaking of trash removal, this ironically provided Sunday’s highlight of the day, as one of the trash guys who did bother to stop by tried some chili (hey, you scratch my back …). He came back for a second sample and as he walked away he told my buddy, “This stuff’s better than Hormel!”

My immediate reaction was to think to myself, “Christ, I’d hope so!” But then I realized that most people generally associate popularity with quality (after all, how else to explain people’s fascination with today’s shitty American cars?). Nothing against Hormel (clearly I wish I had half the gazillions they do); I’d hope that fresh chili made two days before an event was better than processed meat in a can. But from this guy’s vantage point, my chili was better than the stuff he can find in every single grocery store in the world. That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

Next year it would probably be a good idea to pay a photographer, as there was almost no time at all to stop and think, much less take pictures. I wish I had more, but here are a couple of some happy customers, with the rest featuring all of my friends who came out to help. There’s literally no way I could’ve done this without them.

Oh, and last but not least. Here’s to my friends at Archibald’s Friday night. You know who you are.

Posted in Chili, Fans, Friends and Family, Pepper Sauce, Promotions, Spice Mix, Stiff Willi™ Girls | Comments Off

If I Had Sex, They’d Discontinue Condoms

Posted on October 28, 2011 by trevor

It all started in 1996, or at least that’s when I first really started noticing it. Just about every time I started to cook with something I liked, it would be discontinued. Like, as a rule.

I’ve always had “Trevor Luck” — if something could go wrong, it would (Murphy had nothing on this guy!). There’s the big stuff like the Sabres never winning a Stanley Cup (sorry guys, probably not until I’m dead); my job being eliminated in an area that basically has the best job security in the entire country; and having the world’s smallest peni … never mind.

Then there’s the little stuff, the stupid shit that just pisses you off more than anything. Getting food poisoning the one weekend your sister comes to visit with her cute friend you’ve never met; not being considered for a job because your GPA was literally .07 (yes, seven hundredths) of a percent below some arbitrary minimum requirement; and perhaps my favorite, dropping a full dinner tray in the college dining hall in front of the entire girls’ soccer team.

Some of my friends use to think I was just playing the the “poor me” card whenever I’d bitch about my bad luck — until all of my housemates suddenly stopped getting laid my senior year in college. That’s when they realized “Trevor Luck” was actually contagious.

So once I started cooking a lot more often, it really didn’t come as much of a surprise to me that I’d discover some of the best products around, only to find them off the shelves a short time later. Only fitting.

Let’s go in chronological order:

Chili sauce — When I first moved to Maryland in 1996 I shopped at a Super Fresh down the street from my apartment. This was the year I probably made my first decent batch of chili. This chili sauce wasn’t like that liquidy crap Heinz puts out or even the less-runny but still-not-great stuff from Texas Pete. It was a tiny round can of meaty goodness filled with concentrated chili aroma and flavor. I recall the can being wrapped in a loose paper label. I used it a few times. After that, I couldn’t find it again.

Super Fresh finally went out of business. Serves them right.

Sub rolls — I live in Southern Maryland. It’s a miracle you can find a half-decent kaiser hamburger roll, much less a top of the line cheesesteak roll. However, I found one at Woodburn’s grocery store in Solomons about five years ago that was pretty damned good. I perfected my cheesesteak with it and then one day when I went back for another bag — poof! — dropped like Lindsay Lohan in a movie theatre.

The Dalmore (12 years) — This one probably brings me closest to tears. Though I’m a big fan of bourbon, I’d actually never had scotch until 2007. My buddy Louis got me a bottle of Johnny Walker Green after my first son was born, and we promptly popped it open. Not bad for blended. It lasted about two days.

About a week later we took my son to visit his aunt and uncle, and Uncle Pat went to the liquor cabinet and pulled out a dusty bottle of some stuff called The Dalmore. Single malt. Very smooth. You didn’t even need water; just swirl it with some ice cubes and enjoy life. Then Uncle Pat blew my mind when he told me it cost something like 34 bucks. Hands down the best value of any product ever invented by man. (How the hell was the bottle dusty?? Uncle Pat clearly is weak!)

So obviously I started buying a bottle every few weeks. This went on for at least six months. I noticed the price rise to almost $40 (did I really increase demand that much all on my own?!). You can almost sense “Trevor Luck” encroaching, can’t you? Then it dropped to like $32 — at least that’s what one liquor store sold it for — and then … gone. “WTF!” I asked the next liquor store owner I encountered. Discontinued.

Why don’t you just take a testicle, Dalmore?

Thick-cut pork chops — Back in early 2009 when I was just beginning my research on how to make the planet’s best chili, I discovered that cooking my Texas-style batch with a thick-cut pork chop really set it over the top. (And if you’ve never tasted a succulent, chili-infused pork chop, you’re also missing out on one of the finer things in life.) These were available pre-cut at my grocery store of choice through the DC101 Chili Cook-Off in May of that year, but when I went to pick up a couple prior to the world championship, you guess it: nowhere to be found. Like, nowhere to be found at three other stores, either. And just when you think you can just have the butcher cut you some to order, well, they just “come off the truck pre-cut.”

I’ve since been able to find these cuts of pork at random times throughout the past year, but never consistently. This isn’t necessarily the worst thing in the world because you can wrap a couple thin-cut chops in cheesecloth in a pinch, but still …

5-pound tubes of ground chuck — when you make chili by the 5-gallon bucket like I often do, it’s nice to be able to buy your beef in bulk. Walmart, of all places, used to carry 5-pound tubes of regular ol’ 93/7 garbage ground beef and 80/20 ground chuck. But right before a big end of summer beach bash I was planning for in September this year, the ground chuck had suddenly disappeared. “Come back tomorrow. We get a truck every night,” one of the store employees said. So I did.

Another 20-minute detour after work for nothing.

So now I’m in a pinch. I’ve either got to buy straight up ground beef (which is nothing but scrap meat) or buy like 24 one-pound tubes of chuck. Well F that, I need economies of scale. I could get by with ground beef for my chili w/ beans recipe, but I was testing out my new chili mix for Texas-style chili, which basically is beef and gravy. So you need to be chewing on good meat because there’s no “filler” like tomatoes and beans to disguise the sandy, cat litter-esque shit that crappy ground beef cooks down to.

So what do I have to do? Cook only one gallon of my prized competition recipe for the good folks at the beach bash instead of five.

I haven’t been back to Walmart to see if they’ve restocked the bulk ground chuck again, and I probably won’t check. Giant has at least started carrying 3-pound tubes of chuck after I told the meat department manager about my predicament. So, in the name of solidarity and all, I’ll stick with them for a while.

You know, until “Trevor Luck” strikes again!

Posted in "Trevor Luck" | 1 Comment

Top 10 Ways to Get Out of Doing Housework

Posted on October 27, 2011 by trevor

The wife and I have been going through a little bit of a rough patch lately. For about the past eight years. Mostly because I feel like I do a ton of work around the house while she insists I don’t do anything.* Seriously, I cook (duh), clean, vacuum, do laundry, fold laundry, make the bed, mop, dust, dry the shower, treat the septic, and grocery shop. There’s probably more but I’m going off the top of my head here. And anyhow, I’m pretty sure that’s more than most guys would even admit to anyway even if they did do all of that.

All in all, I’d say I’m a good little housewife. Hell, I usually don’t even have to be told to do any of this stuff!

And that’s not counting all the work I do outside the house, like mow, seed, caulk, wash cars, take out the trash, caulk, go to the dump, kill moles, shoot squirrels, caulk, rake leaves, shovel rocks, deforest, and all the other fun shit that makes us guys. The problem, in my wife’s view anyway, is that I don’t do nearly as much work with the kids as she does. And I don’t do toilets. But it’s mostly the kids.

To me, it’s obvious. It’s called division of labor. But no matter how much work you do, I guess it doesn’t count as long as you’re not always there to help her out when she wants you to be. The funny thing is, it’s not like I never help with the kids. She works late a lot and goes on travel every now and then, so who do you think’s home with the kids then? I think the biggest problem is that by the time she’s putting the boys to bed, I’m usually on the couch with my bourbon, so then I just look like I’m a lazyass while she’s still doing work. But that’s just an illusion.

In my wife’s defense, her strongest argument is that she’s the only one who gets up with the kids in the middle of the night. No argument here. Even though I believe kids — babies, especially — prefer, need, and grow attached to their mother more than their father (a no-brainer if they’re breast-fed, which both of mine were), my argument has never been that it’s a “mother’s job” to take point here; I’m just too damned old to get out of bed! You haven’t seen bitchy until you’ve seen me with less than six hours sleep. Seriously, when my wife told me she wanted a second child, I almost had her sign a contract saying she’d be the one getting up at night with him. Hell, we had a de facto handshake agreement as it was, and I’m pretty sure her response was, “How’s that any different than last time?”

Touché.

Look, even though I do all the housework I already mentioned, I’m still not saying she doesn’t do it, too. She does. Certainly just as much as I do (inside, anyhow) and more in some cases. But for her to say I don’t do anything would be equivalent to me saying she doesn’t either, which would be just plain silly. After all, it’s not like I give her crap for never mowing the lawn or blowing leaves off the roof. Honestly, I think the real issue is that most chicks seriously don’t consider yardwork to be “real work” if they’re not the ones doing it.

I’m the first to admit I’m not perfect, and it’s never been hard for me to go into jackass mode if I think I’m getting a raw deal. But relationships are a two-way street; it’s rarely just one person’s fault if someone’s not happy about something. I honestly think this type of thing is inevitable when you have kids and you both work. You never have time for yourself, much less each other, and you’re always stressed about your work, personal life, or most likely both.

That said, I’m way too quick to get frustrated, which I need to work on, but it’s not like you can just choke your spouse when you get into an argument. (Well unless you’re a woman, but we won’t get into that here.) I have to admit, half the reason I’m writing this in the first place is because I want to see if my wife ever reads this blog. But I’m equally interested in sharing some of my incomparable wisdom for all you guys who find yourself in the same predicament I do. So if you just can’t win, here are some tips for getting out of doing some of the work around the house you probably don’t get credit for anyway.

1. Get a housekeeper. You may not have the financial means to pull this off, but if you do, try something like this: “Honey, I hate seeing you work so hard around here. I’m trying to do what I can, but why don’t we get a little help?”

2. Make a ton of dough. No, don’t become a baker. If you make enough money, your wife can afford to stay home. If she chooses to, of course. (Hey, feminists might like chili, too!) Plus, you’ll be able to buy her all the cars and jewelry she can handle, so she probably won’t mind getting up to fix your lunch in the morning or driving the kids to school.

Or, at the very least, this would allow you to implement Option #1.

3. Don’t cook on a regular basis. I love to cook. I cooked for my roommates in college and when I first met my wife, I tried to impress her by cooking for her parents. Sadly it worked, so now my life is over. Juuust kidding. But I don’t think it’s a stretch to say I spoiled the hell out of her by doing almost all the cooking for the first half-dozen years we were together.

Nowadays all we eat is chicken nuggets or pasta, or basically anything you can boil or microwave in fifteen minutes to feed the kids before they have a meltdown. So my wife has assumed the primary cooking duties, mostly because I’m always outside working in the god-awful excuse for a yard we inherited when we bought a 50-year-old house last year. So you know what that means: “You never cook anymore!”

If you have the luxury of being at the beginning of a relationship, do yourself a favor: work late every night or eat out five nights a week.

4. Never write a cookbook. This is where I really screwed myself. You kinda scream “I’m the cook of the house!” when you nail your hobby down in hard copy, so naturally you’re just asking for it once you relinquish the cooking duties.

5. Ruin her clothes. Thankfully blouses are expensive. You only have to wash silk with a red tablecloth a couple times before she tells you not to touch her clothes ever again. Recently I had the luxury of having a bent lint trap in the dryer. It failed to fit snugly into its reservoir, causing one of the corners to become a veritable magnet for bras. It would twist them like a wrung dish cloth, shredding the straps. I now enjoy having to worry only about bath towels.

6. Break the mop. You’re strong! Especially if you habitually eat T-Rev’s Stiff Willi Chili! But even if you haven’t seen a weight room in a while, tough guy, most of us will still break a Swiffer accidentally just by trying to work a stubborn scuff mark out of the linoleum. Do it once more intentionally and you’ll probably be asked not to bother anymore while being thanked for your effort.

7. Get an additional job. These days you’re lucky if you can find a job, much less more than one, but it’s hard to argue with people who just want to make more money. Especially if you sell it as a way to save up to take your better half on a well-deserved vacation at the end of the year. Whatever you decide, you can’t do chores if you’re not at home. As long as you’re not sitting at a bar while your wife’s taking care of the house, you should be good to go.

8. Learn to make a bitchin’ frozen margarita. This is very easy if you don’t know how. Just look over there on the right sidebar where you see a photo of my cookbook cover. Sign up for my mailing list to download a FREE version of 50 Ways to Impress Your Girlfriend’s Parents. The recipe’s on p. 78. Whip up these bad boys a few times a week and your girl might just forget about all your slackass behavior (her words, not mine), or at the very least have enough of a buzz not to care. Just be careful, though; you could be walking the dangerous line of violating Rule #3 if you don’t keep at it.

9. Okay, that’s about all I can think of at the moment. So I guess this is really more of a Top 8 list after all. Whatevs. People like Top 10 lists more anyway so we’ll just stick with that for the title. Hey … my blog, my rules!

* I love my wife dearly and couldn’t imagine my life without her. Most days.

Posted in Friends and Family | Comments Off

How’s This for a Compliment?

Posted on October 27, 2011 by trevor

It’s not every day I have the luxury of waking up to an email that makes my day. But this one from Barbara Biddle sure did:

We made the chili last night and it was awesome. Followed the recipe and it was the best chili we’ve ever made. We’re big “Chili-Macs” fans and your chili is perfect. If you want that recipe, let us know. It’s a favorite during football season at our house! Great meeting you this past weekend at Peppers.

Wow. And heck yeah I want that recipe! I’ll put it right up on the recipe blog with full credit to you. Thanks for the kind words, Barbara.

I blogged about this most recent Peppers visit here.

Posted in Chili, Fans, Promotions, Testimonials | Comments Off